Strengthen your bonds and find out what kind of friend you are with this weeklong friendship tuneup.
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By Catherine Pearson
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Welcome to Well’s 5-Day Friendship Challenge!
This week, we’re bringing you five science-backed strategies to help revive fizzling friendships and to deepen your close ties. Start by taking our quiz to discover your friendship style, then strengthen your bonds with each day’s exercise.
Day 1: Text a friend
I’m Catherine Pearson, and I cover families and relationships for The New York Times. Today, I’m making the case for something many of us have a love-hate relationship with: texting.
Recently, I was having a lousy day. My husband was out of town, and the kids were fighting nonstop. Just as I was about to threaten my 6- and 9-year-old boys with boarding school, a text popped up on my phone. It was from Miranda, a high-school friend whom I catch up with only a couple of times a year. She had texted simply to tell me she’d been thinking about me — it probably took her 30 seconds to write, and it took me even less time to read. But her message lifted me right out of my funk.
Ample research shows that social connection is crucial to our physical and mental health and longevity. It is good for our brains and hearts, and helps protect us against stress. One oft-quoted 2010 study concluded that lacking social connection might be comparable to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.
Friendship is a very specific and valuable form of social connection, said Julianne Holt-Lunstad, the lead author on the cigarette study and director of the Social Connection and Health Lab at Brigham Young University. “It’s difficult to be choosy about your neighbors or co-workers. You’re born into your family,” she explained. “Friendships are chosen and, because of that, we need to intentionally make time for them.”
Putting in the effort to maintain friendships may feel like a heavy lift, and to a certain extent it is. Research suggests people need to spend around 200 hours hanging out together in order to forge a close friendship. Unfortunately, the amount of time Americans spend engaged with friends every day has declined over the past two decades.
The good news? Research also shows that smaller efforts can help established friendships flourish. A 2022 study found that when you casually check in with a friend — the way Miranda did with that text — it’s more welcome than many of us realize.
Peggy Liu, one of the authors of that study, often writes to friends out of the blue to say, “I just thought I would say ‘hi’ and see how you’re doing.” Liu, an associate professor of business administration at the University of Pittsburgh, told me that even if it sometimes felt awkward, the practice had helped her reconnect with old friends.
Friendship Challenge Day 1: Text a friend.
Today’s challenge is a light lift — simply pick up your phone and shoot off a text. Maybe it’s for someone you’ve lost touch with. Maybe it’s for someone you’re missing. Or maybe it’s for someone you actually see quite often but want to check in with “just because.” You can use this text-message template or come up with something on your own.
You’re not alone if reaching out feels uncomfortable. Just keep in mind what Jeffrey Hall, a professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas, told me: “It’s typically the case that when people are out of touch for a while, it’s not because they dislike each other or don’t want to hear what is going on in each other’s lives. It’s just that they have fallen into a routine of not keeping in touch.”
Discover your friendship style
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Day 2: Repot a friendship
This is Day 2 of the 5-Day Friendship Challenge. To start at the beginning, click here.
We’ve all got them: work friends, college buddies, playground dads. Whatever you call them, they’re the discrete groups of friends from different facets of our lives. Even our “weak ties” seem to exist only in certain settings, like the neighbors you nod at while walking the dog, or the barista who has memorized your coffee order.
But there is value in decompartmentalizing such friendships, said Marisa G. Franco, a psychologist and the author of “Platonic,” a book about making and keeping friends. Research has found that connecting in different settings or contexts can help bring friends closer, she added.
Friendship Challenge Day 2: ‘Repot’ a friendship.
“Repot” is a term coined by Ryan Hubbard, who heads up Hinterland, a social lab that has generated reports on friendship. And it’s simple: Think of friends you tend to interact with in one setting. Then invite them to join you for something else.
Ask a colleague you usually gossip with on Slack to sneak out to a matinee with you. Ask a friend you normally meet for dinner to join you for a walk through a museum. Or maybe raise the stakes a bit and invite a friend on an overnight trip — you really get to know someone once you’ve hung out together in your PJs, Dr. Franco said — or to try something totally new to you both. (Clown cardio, anyone?)
Dr. Franco pointed to research showing that sharing unusual or extraordinary experiences can sometimes help bring people together. And researchers who study romantic love have long known that novelty can nourish relationships. But it’s not all about finding activities that are unconventional or adventurous.
You can repot a relationship by asking a friend for help, Dr. Franco said, or ask if that person wants to meet your family, something we do naturally all the time as kids. You can also “integrate” your friendships, inviting people who don’t know each other to meet up.
Whatever you settle on, your overarching goal should be to “challenge the norms” of your friendship, Dr. Franco said. If you feel unsure of whom to reach out to, she recommends simply asking yourself: Is there someone I would like to feel closer to in some way?
Repotting has risks. Your friend might screech at the idea of taking a beginner’s trapeze class with you, rather than meeting for your usual glass of wine. But the only way to know is to ask, Dr. Franco said. You might also discover that you don’t like spending time with your friend in another context, which can be valuable information as well, she added.
When it works, repotting can lead to a greater sense of ease and comfort with friends, Dr. Franco said, because you are each getting a more complete picture of the other person. “Every setting,” she said, “brings out a different side of us.”
Day 3: Put a friendship on autopilot
This is Day 3 of the 5-Day Friendship Challenge. To start at the beginning, click here.
One of my favorite running middle-aged jokes on TikTok and Instagram involves two busy parent friends trying to make plans.
You know the script: “Are you free next week?” one mom shouts into her earbuds while driving car pool.
“No, I have four dance recitals, two block parties and 67 soccer games to attend,” the other mom answers, stirring a pot of chili while answering a work email.
“Next month?”
“No, we’re finally taking that vacation we’ve put off for 10 years.”
And on it goes, until they finally settle on a date in late 2026.
Making plans to socialize with friends can be challenging, no matter what stage of life you are in, said Kasley Killam, a social scientist and the author of the forthcoming book “The Art and Science of Connection.” That is why she believes that one of the best things you can do to prioritize your social health is put your friendships on autopilot by scheduling regular opportunities for connection.
“It’s about automating the logistical sides of our friendships so that we can just be present,” she said. “It ties into the fact that friendships — and all of our relationships — blossom the most when there are consistent touch points.”
Friendship Challenge Day 3: Put a friendship on autopilot.
Here are a few ways to do it:
A standing dinner date. Ask a handful of friends over to your home for an easy meal on the same day of the week every month. Add the date to your calendars, making sure it repeats each month, and whoever can make it will make it. There may be specific benefits to meeting up in real life, said Eric Kim, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia.
Dr. Kim worked on a recent study that found having frequent face-to-face contact with friends was associated with better mental and physical health. And he’s putting what he learned into practice: Every time Dr. Kim meets up with his three closest friends, he ends the get-together by putting their next date on the calendar. Efficient!
“The more you have a routine of interacting with somebody, the less you have to work at it,” said Jeffrey Hall, a professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas. “It also gives you something to look forward to.” For example, perhaps you and a friend get together every summer to have a barbecue, or every winter when you’re back in your hometown, you visit the same friend, he said.
A weekly call or text. OK, nothing beats in-person connection. But as we already established this week, it is also true that even a brief text exchange can feel meaningful. So here comes that calendar reminder again: A pop-up might prompt you to ping the same person every week, or maybe it suggests someone new. The point is to reach out.
Break out the Post-its. A low-tech option is to place a note somewhere you are apt to see it, such as a bathroom vanity, reminding you to reach out to a friend. Or, while you are writing out your to-do list for the week, make a “to-love” list, Ms. Killam suggested. Corny? Sure. But a list like this can help you prioritize your friendships, she said.
“It’s about having these reminders and rituals so that it becomes habitual,” Ms. Killam said. “It’s so easy for our connections to just be the last thing on our to-do list.”
Day 4: Revisit old photos with a friend
This is Day 4 of the 5-Day Friendship Challenge. To start at the beginning, click here.
If you’re like me, you have a staggering number of photos saved to your phone. Does that speak to an unhealthy tendency to obsessively document even the most mundane moments? Perhaps. But today’s objective is to put your photo library to good use.
Nostalgia can be beneficial. It can curb stress and help combat feelings of loneliness. And looking back on old memories with a friend instantly makes you feel more connected, said Marisa G. Franco, a psychologist and the author of “Platonic,” a book about maintaining friendships. Something as simple as looking at an old photo of you and a friend may remind you of the depth of that bond, she said.
In fact, Dr. Franco said, one of the easiest ways to make new friends in adulthood is to simply reconnect with old ones. Revisiting cherished memories can give a fizzled friendship a much-needed jolt.
Friendship Challenge Day 4: Reminisce with a friend.
Text or email a photo or video. This is the quickest option, Dr. Franco said. You might work some details into an accompanying message, such as “I’m thinking about this moment we had together, and this is what it meant to me.”
Dig up some old photo prints. Those 8 x 10s and 5 x 7s that are just gathering dust in storage? Upload them digitally and send them to a group chat. Or have a pal come over and comb through them together while eating snacks.
Ask: “What do you remember?” Simply chatting about your shared experiences can clue you into a friend’s perspective, said Eric Kim, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia. When recalling that camping trip you both went on years ago, you may only remember the mosquitoes and restless sleep. But talking to your friend could remind you of the beautiful waterfall you saw and the s’mores you ate.
You get new insights into a shared memory, Dr. Kim said.
Yes, reminiscing can be bittersweet. You might find yourself remembering friends who are no longer alive, or staring at a photo from a more carefree time. But you can also feel gratitude for the time you’ve shared. (And small, daily doses of gratitude have known benefits.)
“Part of reminiscing might be saying, ‘I’m so glad we had that experience together,’” said Julianne Holt-Lunstad, the director of the Social Connection and Health Lab at Brigham Young University. “Or, ‘I’m so grateful we were able to do that.’”
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Day 5: Take an emotional risk
This is the final day of the 5-Day Friendship Challenge. To start at the beginning, click here.
The friendship experts I interviewed for this challenge all mentioned, in one form or another, how important vulnerability is to forming close connections. If you want big, deep platonic love in your life, you must be willing to put yourself out there emotionally.
Those therapists and researchers also acknowledged that the very idea of vulnerability makes a lot of us squirm.
“You risk rejection, exposure, judgment,” said Hope Kelaher, a licensed clinical social worker in private practice in New York City and the author of “Here to Make Friends.” “But it is the core component of any deep emotional intimacy.”
Friendship Challenge Day 5: Be vulnerable with a friend.
“Expose myself emotionally” probably wasn’t on your to-do list when you woke up, so here are a few ideas to help you start.
Ask a probing question (or 36 of them). Nearly a decade ago, The New York Times ran the article “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love” — which included a set of, yes, 36 questions that could help accelerate intimacy.
The questions had been generated for a study by researchers including Arthur Aron, a professor of psychology at Stony Brook University. Dr. Aron told me that he and his team had developed the questions to test whether they could create closeness between strangers, but there is growing evidence they can increase closeness between friends and romantic partners, too. Running through the full set takes about 45 minutes, and the questions get progressively deeper. Answer them with a friend to help foster mutual vulnerability.
Confide in someone new. One simple strategy is to think about who you typically talk to about thorny issues at home or work, said Marisa G. Franco, a psychologist and the author of “Platonic.” Instead of going to that person, talk to another friend you’d like to bond with. You might share something you are struggling with, she suggested, though she acknowledged that was a high-risk (and high-reward!) proposition. If you need a confidence boost, keep the “beautiful mess effect” in mind: Research suggests that though we tend to worry being vulnerable will make us seem weak or flawed, others tend to see it as courageous and authentic.
Offer a sincere compliment. Going deeper with a friend does not necessarily mean you must unburden yourself emotionally. Jeffrey Hall, a professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas, has worked on research showing that offering a sincere compliment to a friend can increase your own happiness and lower stress levels over the course of a day. Though telling a friend what you appreciate about him or her might feel awkward, it will probably be more welcome than you would expect.
OK, maybe it’s just me, but after spending the week together working through this challenge, I feel like we’re best friends now? I’ll keep up with your feedback in the comment sections, so please post there and let me — and your fellow readers — know how the exercises turned out for you. If you’d like to suggest other forms of connecting, drop them there, too.
I hope these exercises have been a reminder to make time for friendship. Investing in our social connections is like investing in a 401(k), as Ms. Kelaher told me. It’s a way of planning for our future stability — and well-being.
